Harlequin Girl
by HPF1888
Summary: My Name is Alana Sommers. It wasn't until my Fifth year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry that I found love again. What should have been a happy ending is ruined when I become a pawn in ruining Harry Potter. Spoilers, nonslash.
1. Saturday at Hogsmeade?

**A/N:** Welcome to my first-ever posted fan fic! I do hope you enjoy it and please R&R, constructive critism is welcome, no flames please because nothing good comes from them :) (Edit: yes this is a repost, I added some things and changed some things so I hope it is loads better and easier to read).

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing except Alana, Natalie, and Terry. All other characters belong to the talented J. K. Rowling.

**Warnings:** This chapter (as well as others after this) contains a cutting scene. I do not encourage cutting and if this is a sensitive subject to you then I suggest you go no further. All scenes are non-explict, meaning I do not describe it. I personally find it hard to read and/or write descriptive self-harm scenes because I'm a recovering one myself. If you or someone you know are practicing this then please get help. Thank you, now on with the show:

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**Chapter 1**

**"Saturday at Hogsmeade?"**

"He's looking at you again," whispered Natalie, my best friend. I didn't bother to look up; I was engrossed in my homework and I figured that if I ignored her then she will leave me alone.

"Alana," Natalie whispered, breaking my concentration. "He's staring again," she repeated excitedly and annoted that I ignored her the first time.

I give up my attempts at ignoring her and look: it was Terry Wilde, a Slytherin. We were in the school library looking up potion ingredients for Slughorn. Outside was light and breezy, October, well into my fifth year at Hogwarts. But I am getting ahead of myself; perhaps I should rewind and introduce myself first:

My name is Alana Sommers and I am fifteen years old and in my fifth year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I have brown eyes and mid-back length brown hair and the only positive thing about my appearance is my fair complexion, my skin is flawless. I am not pretty, at least not like most girls in my grade level. My best friend is Natalie Love, she's an American who moved to England when she was ten; we have been friends since our first train ride to Hogwarts. We sat in the same compartment and she took pity on me, sort of took me under her wing. She says that I am pretty, just not as pretty as her, or most girls. We are both the same age and in the same house (Ravenclaw).

Now Natalie is BEAUTIFUL, she has black hair and enchanting blue eyes, boys just love her and she loves them. Since we have the same physique (slim/slender, small breast size, small hips) so she constantly dresses me up in her clothes. We are an odd couple, she is the beautiful, charming Natalie Love and I am just Alana; Plain Jane and Dashing Stella. But that doesn't bother me, I know I will never be like her; I've come to accept that. Anyway, now back to the story:

I looked at Terry and he gave a smug grin, I rolled my eyes and went back to my work. _I don't have time for this... If I fail another test then Slughorn will have my head._

"He's most likely looking at you," I murmured to Natalie, she gave a small wave to Terry. He responded by getting up and walking over to our table.

"I don't think so," sung Natalie bending over her potions book, she grinned while pretending to look up definitions.

"Hello ladies," Terry said quietly once he sat at our table, "lovely day outside isn't it?"

Natalie giggled earning us a stern look from Madam Pince. I glared at Terry, I was about to ask what he wanted until Natalie stepped on my foot.

"Yes it is Terry," I said quietly and with clenched teeth.

"Well I was wondering, Alana, since it's such a nice day, if you would like to walk on the grounds with me."

Natalie giggled some more, this time it was me who kicked her. She immediately stopped he snickering and threw me a look of contempt.

"I would love to Terry, but as you can see, I am currently on a date with Slughorn's homework, and I just can't leave it. That wouldn't be nice will it?" I said.

"Well then what about this Saturday at Hogsmeade?" he asked through Natalie's fresh giggle fit. _Dammit Natalie! You are so fucking juvenile_, I scolded her with my mind.

"I don't know, I may be available, I may not. But I am pretty sure that I am going to be busy that day."

Natalie gave me a really hard, stern kick from under the table, causing me to yelp. Madam Pince was not pleased.

"Well then you better let me know soon, I await your answer," with that he left the table and joined his friends on the other side of the library.

We were in the corridor on our way to transfiguration a few minutes later. Natalie was still giggling and laughing over what happened in the library.

"Way to go Alana, you have a date with Terry," she managed to gasp out with tears in her eyes.

"I do not!" I said; only one other guy has asked me out before, "I haven't even said yes."

"Not yet."

"What makes you think I will?"

"Because I say you will."

"What?" I said surprised, stopping near a suit of armor.

"Yes," said Natalie pausing and turning around, "You will go on that date Alana, because you are fifteen years old and it's time that you start dating."

"I've dated before," I said beginning to walk towards class. I really did not want to relive that experience.

"I know you have, and it's time you got over that."

"What?" I said indignantly, facing Natalie.

"That was a long time ago Alana, let it go already."

"I know," I said walking faster, "come on, we're going to be late."

We made it into class with less then a minute to spare. It was double transfiguration with the Gryffindor's; five minutes into class and we all were bent over our parchments scribbling down notes on what may be on the O.W.L.'s at the end of the year. During the hundredth lecture on what to expect during the transfiguration portion of the exam, Natalie passed me a note. I quietly opened it and read:

"I'm sorry for what I said in the halls, I just don't want you spending the rest of your life moping over something that happened three years ago." _If she only knew what it's like to be used…_ but I decided to play along with her anyway.

I wrote back:

"Don't worry about it, I know. After three years I know it's time to give that up now."

I passed it; she read it, scribbled a crossed the parchment and passed it back:

"Good for you! So what are you gonna do about Terry?"

"I guess I am going to accept his offer," I wrote back. Natalie smiled when she read it and quickly wrote something back:

"Yay for Alana! I'll tell Terry, your date will be set before dinner!"

I was sitting in the common room finishing up work for Muggle Studies; my date with Terry was set before dinnertime like Natalie promised. She talked with him right after transfiguration, like what was planned. I was to meet him by the Ravenclaw table and then we walk to Hogmeade together.

"Hey!" Natalie said flopping down on the couch next to me.

"Hullo," I responded not looking up, trying to fix the fresh inkblot on my paper.

"So, what are you going to do with your hair?" Natalie asked excitedly. I looked up at her and shrugged my shoulders.

"I don't know; leave it the same I guess."

Natalie went wide-eyed and was shocked.

"No you can't do that! Leave it to me, when I'm done with you Terry will not be able to take his eyes off of you!"

I grudgingly agreed and Natalie spent the rest of the night deciding what I was going to wear.

While the rest of the girls were asleep, I quietly slipped out of bed and went to the Ravenclaw bathroom. I stood in front of a mirror and stared at my reflection.

"What are you doing, Alana?" I murmured to reflection.

_You are just going to make a fool of yourself_.

_Oh no._

_Or he just wants to make fun of you._

I clamped my hands over my ears. "Shut up!"

_You are not pretty, you never will be. Even Natalie knows that, she makes sure to tell you at least once a day._

"Shut up!"

And then another voice pushed itself into my head. It was my uncle, his angry drunken voice hollering at me. Bringing me down. Then the voices from the kids in the halls, whispering, calling me a whore. Tears began to fill my eyes.

_Stupid baby! Go ahead and cry, fucking baby._

I quickly reached into my bathrobe and pulled out my knife. I pulled up the left sleeve of my robe, exposing a number of scars and lacerations that accumulated over the years. I quickly placed the shining blade to my arm and dragged it across my skin.

As I watched the crimson liquid drip into the porcelain sink, my head filled with a calming buzz.


	2. Spilled Butterbeer

**A/N:** Hello Again! I know I'm posting this sooner then anticipated but what can I say? I'm impatient :) At the end of the chapter you will come across lyrics. This song inspired this chapter and tells a bit about Alana's character. Enjoy! (Note: This is a re-submittal of the chapter. I rewrote and made a few modifications so it is loads better. Chapter 3 is complete but I am going to wait for about a week to post it. Note: Yes this is yet another edit of the chapter, this time it was just a few formatting errors.)

**Disclaimer:** I own Alana, Natalie, and Terry. Everything else belongs to J.K. Rowling.

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**Chapter 2**

**Spilled Butterbeer**

I was running through the empty halls, the light from the moon beaming through the windows. It was cold and eerie looking. Harry Potter was walking a long way ahead of me.

"Harry! Harry!" I called, "Harry! Wait!"

But he didn't wait, he sped up, and he seemed to be going faster.

"Harry! Please!" I yelled, tears streaming down my cheeks. Draco Malfoy suddenly appeared in front of me and began shaking me.

"Alana, Alana," He was saying, "Alana."

I suddenly awoke, the sun was barely peaking and Natalie was standing over me.

"What the bloody hell Natalie?" I said. I get very pissed when woken up early.

"Come on, you have to get ready for your date!" she said excitedly.

"It's barely morning! Hogsmeade is not for another few hours!" I said rolling over and burying back into my navy pillows. Natalie sighed and walked away, next thing I knew I was drenched in cold water.

"What the fuck is your problem Natalie!" I sputtered sitting up.

"Quiet! There are other people sleeping! And I've always wanted to do that," She said quietly laughing, now empty water jug in hand. "Now come on, you have to get ready." Placing the jug on my bedside table, she grabbed my hand and dragged me to the Ravenclaw bathroom.

In the bathroom, I grudgingly stripped and threw my bedclothes on the navy-blue and white tiled floor. I reached over and turned the silver hot water tap and stepped in. _Waking me up at six in the fucking morning, what the hell is she playing at?_

After twenty minutes of showering I emerged completely refreshed, I love a good shower; it's my morning coffee. A towel and robe were flung in my face once I stepped out, grumbling, I dried myself while Natalie tapped her foot impatiently. Once my robe was on she grabbed my hand and sat me in front of a mirror. I marveled at all of the different hair and makeup products that were laid out in front of me. _She owns all of this?_ I wondered.

Through the mirror, I watched her pull out her wand and used a drying charm on my long hair then she reached over and picked up a purple potion bottle. She snatched it so quickly that I didn't even get a chance to read the label.

"What is that?" I asked pulling my head out of her reach, eying the bottle suspiciously. Natalie gave me an exasperated sigh.

"Relax, it's Sleekeazy's Hair Potion, I've used it loads of times. Now turn around! We haven't got much time!" she said roughly turned my head so that I was facing the mirror again.

Once finished pouring liberal amounts of the violet substance, she began to fix my hair.

"Ok now turn around and face me," she said, with my back to the mirror she stood before me and studied me face for a bit. Seeming to decide on what to do about my face, she reached behind me, plucked up a bag from the counter and set it before me. I was a rather large pink makeup bag, the color itself made me sick. Opening the bag she pulled out a long, silver, cylinder tube and uncapped it revealing long, slender brushes with different shaped bristles.

"They're makeup brushes," she said, noticing me absentmindedly staring at them, "haven't you ever seen makeup brushes before?"

"I have so!" I said defensively. She said nothing more but issued a sigh and proceeded to mix colors and apply the makeup to my skin.

Once she was finished, and before I could get a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I was dragged back to the girls' dormitory in nothing but my robe. _Thank God Terry is not here to see me like this_, I thought.

The sun was fully up by now and the common room slowly filling and emptying with students hurrying to the baths to primp and leaving down to the Great Hall. A few gave me curious looks as Natalie dragged me through them. I held onto my robe tightly, _the last thing I need is to flash some unsuspecting first year._

When we reached the dormitory door, Natalie opened and slammed it shut.

"Hello," said an airy voice. We both turned around and saw Luna Lovegood adjusting her bottle cap necklace.

"Could you leave?" asked Natalie in a not-so-polite voice, stepping in front of me. Luna did not seem to notice.

"Aren't you going on a date with a Slytherin named Terry?" asked Luna to me.

"Yes she is," Natalie impatiently said before I could answer. "Now could you leave?"

"Good luck on your date, Alana," she said in her dream-like voice and then left.

"I can't stand her," said Natalie, looking at the door that Luna left through.

"You could have been more polite, you know," I said in an annoyed tone.

"Doesn't matter anyway, it's Luna Lovegood," Natalie said, turning towards me.

Putting both hands on my shoulders, Natalie roughly guided me backwards until my knees gave way when I hit the end of her bed and I collapsed on it. As I sat up straight and irately pulled my robe back together, Natalie was already at the wardrobe rifling through her clothing and mine. After a few minutes of muttering to herself, looking at me, and shaking her head she finally threw an outfit to me. I turned my back to her and slipped into my underwear, and the outfit she gave me. I turned around and she gasped.

"Alana, look at you!" she grabbed my shoulders and steered me towards the full-length mirror. I took one look at my reflection and almost didn't recognize myself. My hair was straight and clipped back; my outfit was a short and simple red dress, with black tights and a black sweater.

"It's not extravagant but it's a change from the school uniform and your usual style," Natalie said. "Now let's go meet Terry."

"I can't wear this! It's freezing out!" I said turning to her.

"Well put on a coat then."

I reached for my coat when Natalie lurched at me and screeched "No not that one!"

"Have you gone mad?" I asked her, wide-eyed. She gave me an annoyed look.

"This doesn't go with what you're wearing, here," she said handing me her black coat, "wear this one."

I pulled on the fitted coat and it's matching cap. I could not help but marvel at Natalie's handiwork and the clothing she owned. The coat was long and reached the hem of the dress, its sleeves and collar were covered with a thick and soft faux fur. The cap, too, was made with the same faux fur and was very warm. My hair was pin straight and pulled back away from my face, The makeup was simple but it id make a noticeable difference, I looked pretty for once.

"Here," Natalie thrust a pair of black leather gloves in my hands, "now go meet Terry!"

A few minutes later I was standing by the Ravenclaw table waiting for Terry. I saw Harry pass by with his best friend Ron Weasley and I suddenly remembered the dream I was having before Natalie woke me up. I pondered the meaning as I watched him sit with the other Gryffindor's, which was when I noticed Neville Longbottom staring at me; I looked away but couldn't help but glance back. He rested his head on his hand, and said something to Harry. Harry and the other boys turned and looked at me, I thought I was going to faint, _Do something!_ I thought frantically. _What? Ummm... Wave! Wave at them!_ I smiled and waved as smooth as I could, Harry grinned and waved back, along with Longbottom, Weasley, and Finnigan.

"Alana!" someone shouted. I turned and saw Terry walking towards me; he slicked back his hair and was wearing a green dress shirt. _He looks kinda cute_, I thought. I looked back to the Gryffindor table and saw that the others had resumed their usual chatter.

"Hey Alana, who are you looking at?" asked Terry, following my gaze and pulling on his black coat and gloves.

"Um... No one," I said smiling, turning my attention to my date. "Shall we be going?"

"Yeah, wow Alana you look… nice." He said with a grin, tucking his Slytherin scarf into his coat.

I forced a smile, but on the inside I glowered. _Liar_.

**Harry:**

I sat down at the table with Ron, said my hellos and began helping myself to cornflakes. Neville rested his head on his chin and sighed.

"She's beautiful," he said.

"Who is?" asked Seamus.

"Alana," he said breathlessly, angling his chin towards her. Ron and I turned around and I noticed a girl in a black coat and cap looking over at us. I recognized her as one of the members of the D.A. group we had last year. _She's kinda cute_, I thought. She seemed mildly surprised that a group of boys were looking at her but she just smiled and waved. We waved back.

"Alana!" someone shouted. She turned and I saw that it was a Slytherin who's name I did not know. Ron and I went back to our breakfast.

"She's dating Terry Wilde," said Hermione matter-of-factly, behind a book.

"How do you know?" asked Ron. Hermione sighed and lowered her book.

"I heard her friend Natalie telling Terry that Alana accepted his invitation to Hogsmeade, and Natalie told Padma that the two made a date."

"That doesn't mean they are dating," I said noticing Neville's flushed and crestfallen face.

"I'm so sorry Neville," she said noticing him, "Harry's right, nothing's certain."

"Yeah, well, thanks guys, but don't worry about me. Nothings certain right? I'll get my chance," Neville said with a dejected smile, but I could tell that he didn't really believe it.

"Good for you Neville," Hermione said, and she turned back to the book she was reading.

I turned back to where Alana was standing but she was not there.

"Harry, about the next Quidditch practice..." Ron started. I faced him and the girl was pushed out of my mind.

**Alana:**

In Hogsmeade, we first visited the Shrieking Shack, where I stalked off after Terry began to get grabby. Then we walked around Hogsmeade. The weather cleared up significantly since the first Hogsmeade visit, but was still chilly. I hated Terry; he was too pushy. Cold and miserable, Terry and I walked into the Three Broomsticks to get some Butterbeer. He held the door open for me and I stepped in, the pub was crowded and noisy and I could see Harry in the corner with his friends.

Terry and I managed to find a table alone, his friends close by. They frowned in our direction and muttered things under their breath; I glared back. After what seemed like a decade of sour looks and rude words, I set down my mug.

"I'm going to get more Butterbeer," I mumbled standing up. Terry said nothing but nodded and stood up also, walking over to his friends. They asked about me and he made a few inaudible remarks, of which they laughed and snickered in my direction.

I walked faster towards the bar.

I got the two foaming tankards, but once I turned from the bar I bumped into someone spilling Butterbeer down their front.

"Oh my God," I said shocked, "I am so sorry!"

"No, it's quite alright," the stranger said. I looked up into their face and felt all of the blood drain from mine; it was Harry.

"Oh my God," I repeated. I pulled out my wand and cleaned him up.

"I am so sorry Harry," I stuttered.

"It's ok," he laughed, "here," He stepped over to the bar, "five butterbeers please and... Two more tankards of the same," he said glancing at the fallen glasses.

"You didn't have to do that," I said annoyed. _I don't need your help!_

"I know, but I wanted to."

"Well, thanks," I mumbled, not looking him in the eye. I grabbed the tankards and made my way towards Terry.

Once I got there he was not in a good mood.

"What the hell was that?" he asked, angry. His face was red and his jaws were clenched so hard that I could see a vein throbbing near his temple

"What?" I asked innocently and alarmed.

"I didn't send you to get more Butterbeer so you could flirt with Harry Potter."

I stared at him indignantly. "I did not flirt with Harry Potter!"

After that he seized my wrists, forcing me to drop the Butterbeer, and dragged me back up to the castle.

Less then an hour later, I was in the girls' dormitory changing into something more comfortable and going over the event that happened in the Three Broomsticks. I was berating myself for being so clumsy. I yanked a shirt out of my trunk when the door slammed unexpectedly, forcing me to jump and drop my shirt. I turned around; it was Natalie.

"What happened?" she asked, half annoyed and half excited.

"What?" I said naively, I was confused.

"Back there, things were going great with Terry and then you flirt with Harry Potter, what happened?"

"Nothing, I ran into Harry at the bar, and I mean literally, I accidentally spilled our Butterbeers down his front. And I _did not_ flirt with him!" I said, irritated. Natalie began laughing. I snatched up the shirt and pulled it on, then sat on my bed.

"You what?" she exclaimed.

"I did, I ran into him. I was mortified but he was nice about it, he replaced the drinks." I shrugged crossing my arms.

"You are such a fool Alana; but seriously, do not do that again. You're chasing a dream, Terry is perfect for you." She said sitting down next to me on the bed. I was shocked and angry by her remark.

"I have no intention on pursuing Harry. That is too far fetched," I said through gritted teeth; I was planning on stopping things with Terry before they progressed, but I did not tell her that.

Natalie smiled and embraced me.

"Yay for Alana!" she said, and then she left

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Note: lyrics not in entirety.

In my field of paper flowers  
And candy clouds of lullaby (flowers)  
I lie inside myself for hours  
And watch my purple sky fly over me (flowers)

Don't say I'm out of touch  
With this rampant chaos - your reality  
I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge  
The nightmare I built my own world to escape

In my field of paper flowers  
And candy clouds of lullaby (flowers)  
I lie inside myself for hours  
And watch my purple sky fly over me (flowers)

Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming  
Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights  
Oh, how I long for the deep sleep dreaming  
The goddess of imaginary light

"Imaginary" - Evanescence


	3. Quidditch and Potions

**A/N: **Chapter 3 like I promised. Please R & R, constructive critism is a MUST. There are lyrics posted at the end of the chapter, but keep in mind they are not posted in entirety. (Note: Grammatical errors. Fixed!)

**Disclaimer:** Own nothin' except previously mentioned original charaters.

**Warnings:** Some minor language, an SH (self-harm) scene, and sexual references. Nothing major so you all should be able to handle it :)

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**Chapter 3**

**Quidditch and Potions **

It is near the end of November, I have been going steady with Terry for a few weeks. Natalie found out about my plan on breaking things off with him and talked me out of it. Not like she had to, I knew the type of person I am.

It was the afternoon and I was sitting in the back row in potions with my chin resting on my arm, twirling my wand in-between my fingers. Slughorn was handing back a quiz we took in our last potions class. He handed me mine with a shake of his head. Inwardly I groaned, another failure.

"Speak to me after class, Ms. Sommers," he said. But as soon as class was over, I quietly slipped away.

I barely walked a few feet away from the classroom when a hand grabbed my shoulder. I slowly turned around, fearing it was Slughorn. To my relief, and dislike, it was Terry.

"Hey Babe," he said, giving me a kiss on the cheek. "How about you and I slip away for a bit?"

A sly grin was poised on his face and by the tone of his voice I knew what he wanted. I really did not want to but I gave in anyway. I knew better to just give him what he wants then just fight it. Nothing good came from fighting back.

He led me to an empty classroom and closed the door. Before I could object to anything, he shoved me against the wall and we proceeded to do the deed. Afterwards he tucked in his shirt, kissed me on the forehead, and left, leaving me to feel dirty and used.

Inside that room I pulled down my skirt and fixed my shirt. I glanced at the scars and cuts when I pulled on my ratty cloak. _Does he ever notice them?_ I wondered. _He is probably too busy getting under my skirt to notice or he just doesn't care._ I stared at my arm and just let the cloak dangle off my right shoulder; then I pulled out my knife and added another scar to my collection.

I watched my skin give and the warm liquid spill; the usual scene that I've witnessed over and over again, the same sensation. I felt it wash over me like the kind of high you get from a drug. But when it's gone, you crash. Feel worse then before. _So much like a drug,_ I thought, _it gives to you and takes it away and yet you want more. Will I ever become numb to it?_ I wondered.

Shaking the thoughts off, I closed my knife and pulled on my cloak. Picking up my bag I opened the door and left the room.

Later, in the late afternoon, I took my broom out from under my bed and set off for the Quidditch Pitch. I needed to physically get away from everyone; Terry, Natalie and the common room. There were some days where you feel so suffocated that you literally had to walk away, and today was one of those days.

When I reached my destination I mounted my broom, kicked off and flew around the Quidditch Pitch. I kicked off from the ground without even thinking, not even bothering to tie my hair up, and let go of everything that happened these past months, letting them fly away with the wind. Nothing can compare to the tranquility of flying. Neither sleep nor scar.

I remembered when my father first taught me to fly, just him and me on his broom zooming across the English countryside. I barely remember our summer vacations in the country, because I was so young, but I do remember flying with my dad. I was four and frightened at first, but father was there with me so I eventually became comfortable with the broom and found out that I loved being in the air. He gave me my first broom when I was six. I know I was too young to have one and my mother was furious, she objected to me even learning to fly at the age of four, however father felt that I was ready. I was too small to fly alone but just knowing that the broom was mine was enough.

The images of my young childhood flew through my mind as fast as the wind whipped through my hair and cloak. Usually I try to block earlier memories of my childhood, the past is the past, and those happy days are behind me now. On the other hand, at this very moment, I was glad to remember. I can never cry or feel down when flying.

But my bout of peace was short lived as I spotted a flash of red in my peripheral; it was the Gryffindor Quidditch team, out to practice.

I steered my broom and landed into the stands, getting out of the way and wanting to see the team practice. I also had no desire to go back to the common room anytime soon.

The team looked at me curiously but no one said anything, though I did hear someone say: "Potters fan." I kept to myself, occasionally commenting on an action or direction Harry gave- to myself of course. The practice seemed to go smoothly and by sundown they were finished. The team flew off to the changing rooms, leaving Harry with the Quidditch balls.

I guided my broom towards the pitch, deciding it was time to go back. Harry was wrestling a bludger into the crate when the Snitch escaped.

"Shit!" he swore. Thinking fast, I kept my eyes on the Snitch, leaned into my broom and sped forward, extending my right arm, and I managed to catch the Snitch.

"I think you lost this," I said holding out the Golden Snitch and landing.

"Thanks," said Harry, panting from his wrestling match with the bludger. "That was a good catch, why aren't you seeker for the Ravenclaw's?"

He plucked the golden ball from my hand and I shoved my fist into my pocket.

"Never really considered it," I shrugged.

"Well you should, you're good."

"Thanks," I said, diverting my eyes. Harry bent low and placed the Snitch into its compartment.

"Your name's Alana right?" he asked, straightening up.

"Yeah," I said, startled, my eyes flicking upwards to his green ones. _No one ever remembers my name._

"Now I remember, you spilled Butterbeer on me a while back," he said laughing. I let out a nervous laugh. _What is it with me being such a dumbass?_ I opened my mouth to respond but the bludger that Harry was wrestling with escaped its bindings and pelted straight for me. I ducked and Harry dived on it in time. He struggled with it back into the crate and I reached over and helped him. Our hands momentarily touched and after we secured the bludger we stood up and stared at each other.

"Thanks," he said.

"No problem," I answered, I saw the red Quaffle on the ground and stooped and picked it up. "Don't forget this," I said handing it to him, his fingers grazed mine. We stood there in an awkward silence, until Harry gave another nervous laugh.

"Do you need help with that?" I asked indicating to the crate.

"Oh, yes please," he said as if realizing it was there. He threw the red ball into the crate and closed and locked it. I adjusted my broom in my hand and grabbed one end of the crate and he took the other. We walked off the Quidditch field and put the crate away in Madame Hooch's office, which was followed by another awkward silence.

"Well, I should be going back," I said.

"Alright then, thank you for your help Alana. Have a goodnight."

But I did not respond back, my back was already turned and I was walking as quickly as possible back to the Ravenclaw dorm.

**Harry:**

_Why is she so…so_, I struggled to think of a word to describe Alana, _lonely?_ I thought, finding no other word and watching Alana walk off. _She seems like a nice girl, and she always hides her face behind her hair, why? She's very pretty_…

_No,_ I thought, walking towards the Gryffindor common room, _she is dating that Slytherin, and besides, Neville loves her._

I walked across the long stretch of grass up to the castle, thinking about Alana; for some reason I could not get that girl out of my head. I gripped my broom and looked up at the approaching castle, watching the dying sun cast its rays on the old building. Pushing open the heavy doors, I walked in.

_I don't even know her anyway and it's not like I like her… do I?_

I stopped next to the Grand Staircase and pondered this. Images of her and her long hair flowing in the breeze as she flew streamed into my mind. I quickly pushed them out.

"I don't like her in that way," I said aloud then continued to the common room.

Then why is my heart saying otherwise?

**Alana:**

I returned to the Ravenclaw common room both stunned and excited. _Harry Potter_, I thought, _I managed to talk to Harry Potter, and he even remembered my name._

_Don't get so excited. He's just being polite._

But I still felt like I swallowed a whole cauldron of Felix Felicis and was also experiencing the side effects. As I slipped into the common room I barely noticed my housemates.

_Look at you, you're acting like a stupid lovesick puppy, get a grip of yourself._

I crossed the room and went into the girls' dormitory. I closed the door and went to my trunk and pulled out my pajamas, still deep in thought. _I could never tell Terry; he would get jealous like he did in Hogsmeade a few weeks ago. Heavens knows how he would react to this encounter._ I knew I also couldn't tell Natalie; she would tell and side with Terry.

I slipped into my P.J.'s and sat onto my bed. _Yes I have to keep this little meeting a secret._

Suddenly I heard the dormitory door open and I quickly slipped under the navy covers. I had a feeling on whom it might be.

"Alana?" appeared Natalie's voice from the door. I pretended to be asleep, not really wanting to see her at this moment.

The door closed after a few minutes and I rolled over and stared at the ceiling. _My God, Alana, what have you gotten yourself into?_

* * *

The next Potions class I was not quick enough. Slughorn caught me and made me stay after. I leaned against my seat, toying with a loose string that was hanging from the sleeve of the cloak that I never take off, bored as hell as Slughorn lectured me. I was momentarily relieved when the creak of the door opening reached my ears and someone stepped in. I kept on staring at a point behind Slughorn. 

"Harry!" Slughorn said jovially, my head spun around and I saw that it was indeed Harry Potter standing at the door. He paused and stared at me. "Just the person I needed to see!" said Slughorn, breaking our reverence; I turned back to the front of the classroom, my arms crossed. "You see, I have this student here," -gesturing towards me- "who does not show the competence in potion making like you do. Would you mind tutoring her for me Harry? I am sure she will thrive under your guidance!"

My eyes widened, and my jaw dropped as I stared at the fat man in front of me. _Is Slughorn really saying what I think he's saying?_ There was a momentary pause.

"Um-yeah, sure professor," Harry said. I felt like fainting, _great, just what I need, to make a full of myself in front of Harry Potter. Again._

"Then it's all settled then! Now run along Ms. Sommers, and remember Saturday, detention with me."

* * *

The corridor halls were very cold and drafty, colder then usual for early December because of the Dementors breeding. I sat in the library waiting for Harry, shivering. I met him outside the Potions classroom and he agreed to Monday after dinner in the library. The shivers that racked my body were not only from the cold, but also from nerves. _Where is he?_ I thought, panicking a little. 

I awoke early in the morning, well before breakfast, and laid in bed nervous. _Fuck, I'm going to do something stupid, I know it._ It was Monday, the day I had my study date with Harry.

After some deliberation, I got up and took a shower. Now clean, I stood in front of the same mirror that I usually look into when I am scolding myself for something I've done, _would it kill you to make yourself presentable at least?_ I used the same drying charm on my hair and the same hair potion that Natalie once used ages ago, _she should really lock up her stuff_, I thought while combing the liquid through my hair.I opened a black makeup bag that I owned; everything inside of it was relatively new since I rarely wear makeup. Some of the items in my bag were things given to me from Natalie others I lifted from muggle shops when I needed something to cover the bruises my uncle gave me or the scars on my arm.

I looked at my reflection and wondered what I am going to do about my face. _I don't need to use foundation since I have no blemishes, my eyes and lips could use some work though_, I thought and proceeded to do my own makeup. Once finished I looked at myself in the mirror. _Not bad_, I thought, _maybe I should use makeup more often_.

I went back to the girl's dormitory and put on the school uniform and my cloak and stared at my reflection. _My hair is too long. Maybe I should cut it…_ I thought, fingering my wand. _Maybe later. Where's my knife?_ I frantically thought, feeling my pockets. I went back to my unkempt bed and reached into the azure pillowcase. Finding it, I pulled it out and weighed the object in my hand. It was small, only the length of my palm when open. The black plastic handle was nicked from years of pulling it out and dropping it. I chuckled hollowly at how this object became my best friend and worst enemy through these years. I pulled myself out of this small trance and put the knife in my pocket next to my wand, then went down to breakfast.

Once I stepped into the Hall, my eyes quickly sought out Natalie and I began to move swiftly towards her. She glanced up at me and had to look twice; Natalie dropped the toast she was holding along with her jaw. The other girls followed her gaze and stared as well. A few of the boys did a double take while I walked along the length of the table. Natalie's astonishment was finally broken and she began shouting.

"Ouch! Alana! Look at that! Hot stuff there!"

I blushed, mortified. Her shouts caught the attention of the Hufflepuff's whose table was right next to ours. A few of them let out whistles. What seemed like miles later, I met up with Natalie and sat next to her.

"Oh my God, Alana! Look at you! What's with this sudden change in your looks?" asked Natalie.

"Oh nothing, I just wanted to surprise Terry," I lied. I could not tell her or Terry; Terry would just get jealous and Natalie would take his side.

As soon as I said his name, Terry appeared next to me as if summoned.

"Hey babe, wow you look amazing," he said leaning over next to my ear and sliding his hand down my back.

"I know, doesn't she?" said Natalie, leaning over me. "Loads better then what I did when she first went out on that date with you."

All the other girls began asking questions, making it very hard to concentrate on my meal.

"Whoa, guys, I just decided to put on a little makeup. Nothing to get excited about," I said annoyed.

"Yes it is," said Elaine, a fellow dorm mate, "you know as well as I do that you are not really a head turner."

At this comment I looked at her.

"I mean, you're pretty and all, but let's admit it, how often do you look this good?"

"She's right, I never knew you had it in you," said Natalie.

I put down my fork, my appetite was lost.

"I have to get to Charms, I'm goin' to be late," I mumbled grabbing my bag and leaving.

"Alana, wait! I didn't mean-"

But I did not hear the rest of her excuse. I could hear Natalie and Elaine get angry at my rude escape. Luckily I did not hear their comments.

Once I managed to leave the Great Hall I ran into the girls bathroom and stayed there until it was time for my first class.

I got a really bad sinking feeling in my stomach when I remembered what happened at breakfast. I knew I was not as pretty as the other girls, but to actually hear someone (other then Natalie) say it just seemed to make that feeling worse. When I was in the girl's bathroom I locked myself in a stall and pulled out my knife, maybe I was being a bit oversensitive but I just really wanted to be left alone. It was not like I was crying; I just wanted to reflect on this by myself.

I took a small mirror out of my bag and checked my makeup for the hundredth time. _Where is he?_

**Harry:**

Once finished with my meal, I told Ron that I needed to work on some schoolwork and I wanted to concentrate alone and in quiet. But I know he didn't really hear what I said, Lavender had his attention.

I picked up my bag and slipped out of the Great Hall. It was not very hard to lose Hermione either, before dinner I told her that I wanted to study alone this time and see if I can get more work done. She told me that was a good idea and said nothing more, especially when Lavender and Ron walked by.

I did not want to tell anyone that I was, in fact, tutoring another student. Alana, more specifically. I knew Hermione would give me a reprimand that the only reason I was actually good at potions was because of that book, which was true, and then throw in another on the book. I did not tell Ron because I did not want to risk anything getting back to Neville, and also because I never would have gotten a chance to do so anyway.

_Why are you doing this Harry?_ I thought to myself as I walked up a set of stairs to the library._ Slughorn said another student needed help and I am giving her help, _I thought almost as if trying to convince myself that this was the only reason I was helping her. _You're only good at potions because of that book_, said a nagging voice at the back of my mind. _Yeah, but it's all fifth year stuff. How hard can it be?_

I turned the corner and saw the entrance to the library. I still don't know why I was doing this, then thoughts of Alana's deep brown eyes came into my mind, but I quickly pushed those out. Then I remembered Ginny and her smile. _No, I don't like either of them_, I thought sternly; then entered the library.

**Alana:**

I began putting my quill and books in my bag, _he's not coming_, I thought. _I was stupid to think so_. Before I could close my bag I saw Harry standing by the table. My heart skipped and I blushed.

"What? We're not studying?" he asked, a slight smile on his face. I blushed even more, _oh God, stop blushing! Curse these cheeks_, I thought.

"No, I was… just afraid you weren't coming," I confessed. Harry laughed. His laugh gave me chills, not the bad kind, almost...sensational. _Alana, stop it._ I looked down and tried to pretend Harry was someone else. _He is only tutoring you because Slughorn asked, he doesn't like you. Don't get your hopes up._

"Well I'm here now."

Harry laughed again but, when he noticed that I was not joining him, quickly cleared his throat.

"Well, let get started then," he said, setting down his things. I silently nodded and took out my potions book.

* * *

_Get a load of me, get a load of you  
Walkin' down the street, and I hardly know you  
It's just like we were meant to be _

_This is just the beginning  
We're already wet, and we're gonna go swimming_

_Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you  
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you  
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it  
So tell me  
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you_

_It's an itch we know we are gonna scratch  
Gonna take a while for this egg to hatch  
But wouldn't it be beautiful_

_Here we are, we're at the beginning  
We haven't fucked yet, but our heads spinning_

"Why Can't I?" - Liz Phair

You're never gonna find it if you're looking for it  
It won't come your way, yeah

I should've done something, but I've done it enough  
By the way, your hands were shaking  
I'd rather waste some time with you

Well you never would've thought in the end  
How amazing it feels just to live again  
It's a feeling that you can not miss  
And it burns a hole through everyone that feels it

Well you're never gonna find it if you're looking for it  
It won't come your way, yeah

"Blue and Yellow" - The Used

Each song describes the attraction between Harry and Alana, Liz Phair for Harry and The Used best represented Alana.


	4. I Want To Help

**A/N:** Yeah, yeah fluffy and stuff... The same story is posted on HPFF however they seem to have a problem with the content... So I am forced to edit my story but even then it's not enough... So you guys here on are the lucky ones, you get the whole unedited version and if you have a problem with that then it is your fault you read it not mine. I gave to fair warning before the story even starts... Oh and let me know if you like the warnings, I will remove them if it's taking away from the story.

**Disclaimer:** Own nut'in

**Warnings: **Trigger warning (SH scene) so if you don't feel safe then don't read. Violence warning also (Hey, it's rated "M" for a reason). Oh and language... But that is something you all should be able to handle.

* * *

**Chapter 4 **

**"I Want To Help"**

Tapping my quill on the parchment, during one of our study dates a week or two later, I watched Harry check my work. I placed my chin in my hand and glanced at the darkening sky outside the window behind Harry and back at him. My gaze wandered over the shelves of our private nook. We specifically choose this section because of its secrecy, I don't want to imagine what Terry would do or say if he found out about this.

My eyes again fell on Harry.

"You know you don't have to do this," I abruptly said. Harry stopped his writing and looked at me.

"I know, but I want to," he said simply. I dropped my gaze and Harry placed my paper in front of me. "You have to re-write some of the middle, and you use Knarl Quills not Porcupine, but the beginning was good and I liked the ending."

I glanced at the markings on my paper and then back at Harry.

"Why?"

"Why what?" he asked confused.

"Why help me?"

"I want to; you needed it according to Slughorn."

"Oh," I said, dropping my quill and picking up my paper. I sighed and leaned forward, reaching across the table to pick up a reference book. It was then that I noticed Harry staring at my arm. _Oh shit_, I thought. I quickly retracted my arm and placed it in my lap.

"What?" I asked. _Oh shit, you idiot!_ I frantically thought.

"What was that on your arm?" he asked. _Fuck!_

"What?" I asked, trying not to look away, trying not to blink. I prayed that he could not see my heart beating through my chest.

"Let me see your arm," he said, placing an outstretched hand on the table. I felt all of the blood drain from my face and I could feel myself beginning to panic.

"Why? No!" I exclaimed, recoiling a bit from his outstretched hand.

"What do you have to hide, Alana?" he asked seriously.

"Nothing!"

"Then you would have no problem showing me your arm."

"I don't want to," I blurted lamely. But before I could react, Harry leaned across the table and seized my left wrist, pulling my arm into view. He yanked back the sleeve revealing a myriad of scars and little angry cuts, each one glaring in the dim candlelight.

"Why did you do this?" he asked softly, his bright green eyes staring widely at my collection.

"Oh, so you feel bad for me?" I snapped, yanking my arm back. Harry stared at me shocked.

"What?" he sputtered.

"I don't need your pity."

"I don't! I just want to help you!" His anger beginning to match mine.

"So is this just a way to make yourself feel better? I already have enough people like that in my life!"

Harry stared at me dumbfounded. His jaw hanging open and his eyes narrowed in anger. I stared back blankly, returning his glare.

"You know what," he spat, "fail potions, hurt yourself, I don't care. I'm sorry I even tried to help you!"

He stood up, threw all of his books into his bag and stormed out of the library.

_Good, you got rid of him_, that nasty little voice piped in. "Shut up," I mumbled. _Why do I feel so guilty?_

**Harry:**

_The nerve of her! All I wanted to do was help!_ I thought, walking briskly towards Gryffindor Tower.

_Harry_- the calming voice in the back of my mind began.

_She didn't have to act like that!_

_Well you did come off a bit strong_, the soothing voice that sounded suspiciously like Hermione said.

_She needn't be so rude._

_You weren't very helpful either_.

I stopped and stared in the direction of the library, fighting with myself, unsure if I should go back or not. _I guess I should go back,_ I decided, the voice of reason and the tug in my chest telling me to.

I went back to the library and the place where I last left her, but she wasn't there.

**Alana:**

Once Harry left, tears began to form in my eyes. _There you go again…_

"Shut up!"

I shoved my things into my book bag and headed to the back of the library. I needed some relief and I needed it now.

I found a deserted area in the back towards the Restricted Section and dropped my things, desperately trying to control my tears. I did not even know why I was crying. _Stop crying! Why the fuck are you crying? You are so stupid! So weak! You can cry over this but not when your parents died or when your uncle hits you? You're pathetic! _Were just a few of the thoughts going through my mind then.

I sat on the floor and pulled out my knife, I roughly pushed up my sleeve, made the incision and felt the familiar wave of relief wash over me. I don't even feel the pain anymore. I wiped the tears from my eyes and watched the blood bubble to the surface. _What is it about blood that's so calming?_

I closed my eyes and leaned my head back, breathing slowly to loosen the tight feeling in my chest. My head was filled with a calmed buzz, no more nasty words. I savored the sensation that I felt. When I opened my eyes, the first thing I saw was Harry's face, staring down at me. My eyes widened in surprise and I was speechless. He looked down at my arm, but he did not look mad; not even pity was in his eyes, he looked concerned. Genuinely concerned.

"C'mon," he mumbled, reaching down and taking my hand. I numbly followed, not really caring about where he was taking me, nor that he was still holding my hand.

Surprisingly, he did not lead me to the Hospital Wing like I thought he would. Instead he took me to the second floor girls' bathroom, Moaning Myrtle's Bathroom. He pushed open the door without hesitation and led me to the sinks. It was eerily quiet; Myrtle seemed to not be in today.

Harry turned on the tap and pulled my sleeve up past my elbow. The blood was smeared on my forearm from the sleeve and the cut was still bleeding. He placed my arm under the water.

"Ouch! Sonofabitch!" I yelled, pulling my arm away; cold water was not friendly to blood. Harry tightened his hold on my arm.

"Hold still," he muttered, "it'll be over soon."

I stopped my struggle and let him tend to my wound. Once the water began to run clear he turned off the tap. He let go of my arm and un-tucked his shirt, with a giant tug he ripped a strip of fabric and used it to dress my cut.

Once he let go of my arm, I pulled the sleeve of my robe over the newly bandaged injury and dropped my arm to my side. Then I noticed that the knife was still in my hands and quickly closed it and shoved it out of sight in my pocket.

"Thanks," I mumbled, looking away from him.

"No problem," he said. "Are you going to tell me why you did that?"

I remained silent.

"Alana," he said more softly, his hand enclosing around mine. I was startled by the sudden display of affection; I looked up at him and stared. "I want to help you."

I stared at him, taken aback. I saw him move closer to me and I didn't stop him. Then his eyes closed and I followed suit. I felt his lips brush against mine and then press themselves against the cracked and bitten skin of my lips. I returned the kiss, momentarily forgetting where I was, who I was. It was at that moment that I realized I truly like Harry Potter. Then my mind floated back to a similar moment three years ago, and Terry. I quickly broke away from him.

"You can't," I whispered, and then I left the bathroom. Leaving Harry to stare after me.

For two days I went to great lengths to avoid both Harry and Terry. Once, in the corridors on my way to Herbology, I accidentally passed by Harry. I felt his hand try to encircle around my fingers in an attempt to capture my attention but I simply pulled away and quickly went the opposite direction.

Terry once or twice tried to get my attention also. Getting increasingly angry every time I ignored his advances.

Eventually Terry went to Natalie to try to get some answers on my behavior. Natalie concerned and upset over how I was treating Terry, cornered me after class and demanded a reason.

"Alana, what is going on? Why are you giving Terry the cold shoulder all of a sudden?" Natalie asked.

I sighed and pulled her away to a less-crowded corridor.

"I've been avoiding him, well, because-" –_I can't tell her the truth, she would be too upset_- "Um…" –_I have to tell her something! Duh! Terry! Break up with Terry!_ I gave myself a mental slap at this point, _that way I can tell her later and she won't be mad at me!_- "Ok, I'm sorry Natalie, but… I'm planning on breaking up with Terry."

Natalie stared at me speechless, after a moment's silence she finally came to her senses.

"Break up with Terry? But- but- why?!" she sputtered.

_Uh oh._

"But Natalie I don't love Terry-"

"But he is the best thing that ever happened to you!"

I stared at Natalie in shock. How could she think that?

"What?!" I finally sputtered. "If you call being used as a sex object-"

"But you just can't break up with him! He will be devastated!"

"Natalie!" I yelled, she stopped talking, stunned that I raised my voice to her. "Whose friend are you, mine or Terry's? When I make a decision like this, I expect you to support me like a true friend! Now I am breaking up with Terry, with your 'consent' or not, I _do not_ love him. Nor will I ever. He is a bad guy, who treats me like I'm some kind of- some kind of-" I searched for a word to describe what I was to Terry- "object! It's just very sad that I actually have to explain myself to you."

With that said, I left Natalie in the now deserted corridor. Angry, hurt, and betrayed by her reaction.

After my "talk" with Natalie, I went out and searched for Terry. I had to get to him and break the news before Natalie does. Eventually I found him on the third floor, but before I could open my mouth, he slapped me. The hit was so strong, and it caught me off guard, that I fell against the wall next to me. I felt a sharp pain in my elbow when it made contact with the stone. I slid to the floor, afraid, and placed a shaking hand on my left cheek; I stared at him astounded.

"What the fuck is your problem?" He yelled down at me, his blue eyes stormy. "You have no right brushing me off like that!"

"But, Terry-" I stammered.

"Shut up! I will deal with you later."

After that, he left me in the hall, clearly shaken. The metallic taste of blood present in my mouth.

I could feel myself beginning to hyperventilate, _what have I gotten myself into? What am I going to do?_ I slowly pulled myself up and leaned against the wall trying to calm myself, _this is nothing Alana, control yourself_. I quickly regained my senses and ran to the nearest girl's bathroom. It was during lunch and, thankfully, it was empty; I locked myself into a stall and began screaming.

"Why!" I yelled, my fists pounding the stall door, tears beginning to fall "Why me?"

I wiped away the tears and reached into my pocket, searching for and finding my knife. I yanked up my sleeve, ready to make another scar, but I stopped when I saw the piece of fabric from Harry's shirt. There was a dark red line on it where it covered the cut I made two days before. I stopped and remembered Harry's concerned eyes. I weighed the knife in my hands wondering if it was worth it. Then a creak from the bathroom door brought me back to reality. I looked around the stall and sat on the toilet, remembering why I was here in the first place. My mind then wandered back to second year, the pain I dealt with then, but I quickly stifled that memory.

I reached my breaking point of the day and could feel my eyes well. _Why am I always crying? Can't I just deal with it?_

My vision dissolved as tears began to spill down my cheeks. I put the knife to my skin, but before I could make the cut, Harry's face came into view and I heard his voice:

"I want to help…"

It was then that I put away the knife. _I have to find Harry,_ I thought wiping my eyes and stifling the dreaded tears.

I unlocked the stall door and stepped out. As I went towards the door leading out to the hall beyond, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. It was obvious that I had been crying, and my cheek was swollen, pink, and already starting to bruise from the slap. _Shit_.

I brushed my long hair to cover my face; it was nothing unusual, as my hair always covers my face. I rubbed away the smeared eyeliner and mascara; it would have made everything too obvious. I turned on the cold tap and cupped my hand under the flowing water, bringing the water to my lips I rinsed the taste of blood from my mouth. Satisfied, I left the bathroom and made my way to the Great Hall.

I ran down to the Great Hall just as everyone was leaving from lunch. Some of the students spat irritated remarks at me as I pushed them out of the way, _Harry where are you? I need you right now_. I thought desperately. I turned around and caught a glimpse of messy black hair in the crowd. _You can tell the back of Harry's head from anywhere._ I quickly made my way to Harry, but I did not go straight up to him. Instead I fell into step beside him and whispered:

"Meet me in Moaning Myrtles bathroom."

When he slightly nodded in reply, I slipped away.

I heard the door open, a few minutes later in the bathroom, and turned around anxiously. Harry stepped in and looked at me, an unreadable expression in his eyes.

"What is it, Alana?" he asked when I didn't say anything. This time I did not look away, and I took a deep breath and pulled the hair away from my face.

Harry gasped and his eyes widened in surprise.

"Who did that to you?" he hissed, stepping towards me, anger in his eyes. He gently touched my cheek and I grimaced, causing him to pull away.

"Who did it Alana?" he asked again more sternly.

"Terry," I said, than gulped when his neck flushed.

"Has he hit you before?" he asked.

I shook my head but then stopped.

"Once before," I said not looking him in the eyes. "I refused him something he wanted and…well you know the rest."

Harry remained quiet.

"Why did he do it this time?" He asked, keeping his voice as even as possible.

"Because I was avoiding him," then I told Harry about what Terry said and the fight with Natalie.

"Alana, why do you put up with them?"

"I- because they're the only ones who will keep me around, who actually talk to me…well most of the time," I finished bitterly.

"Alana, leave them! You are an amazing girl! You don't need them!"

"I am not! Stop lying to me!" I yelled, "They are all I got!"

"I am not lying!" he barked, "And what about me? You have me!"

I stopped and gaped at him.

"Harry, I barely know you-"

"I barely know you too, but I do know that I care about you. I care about you enough to worry about you. I care about you enough to do this:"

Again he kissed me, and I willingly kissed him back. But then he quickly pulled away.

"What do you say about that?" he asked. But I said nothing.

Instead I grabbed his collar and kissed him again. I knew that he meant what he said, despite the alarms and embittered voices in my head, deep down inside I knew he meant it.

We pulled away and stared at each other, my fingers loosely gripping his sweater. I said the first thing that came to my head:

"I have to get to class."

Harry blinked at me at first then realized that lunch was over a while ago.

"Yeah, me too."

We left the bathroom, but before I could go down the corridor to my DADA class, Harry grabbed my hand and spun me towards him. He leaned in and gave me a quick kiss then a smile. And for once the world felt right.

But what neither of us knew was that we were seen by unfriendly eyes.

* * *

_Hey girl, you know you drive me crazy  
One look puts the rhythm in my hand  
Still I'll never understand why you hang around  
I see what's going down_

Cover up with makeup in the mirror  
Tell yourself it's never going to happen again  
You cry alone and then he swears he loves you

Do you feel like a man  
When you push her around?  
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?  
Well, I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end  
As your lies crumble down, a new life she has found

A pebble in the water makes a ripple effect  
Every action in this world will bear a consequence  
If you wade around forever you will surely drown  
I see what's going down

I see the way you go and say you're right again  
Say you're right again  
Heed my lecture

Do you feel like a man  
When you push her around?  
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?  
Well, I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end  
As your lies crumble down, a new life she has

One day she will tell you that she has had enough  
It's coming around again

Do you feel like a man  
When you push her around?  
Do you feel better now as she falls to the grown?  
Well, I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end  
As your lies crumble down, a new life she has

Face down in the dirt  
She says, "This doesn't hurt"  
She says, "I finally had enough"

"Face Down" - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus


	5. I'll Kill Him

**A/N:** Sorry for the wait, I was disatisfied with some of the stuff in this chapter so I kept rewriting it. Well, here it is! Enjoy!

I would also like to give a shout out to Dark Irony, thanks for your reviews! They are very much appreciated.

**Disclaimer:** Own nut'in

**Warnings:** Screw the warnings, you should know what to expect by now...

* * *

**Chapter 5**

"**I'll Kill Him"**

Over the next few days, Natalie still refused to talk to me; which was not a problem on my part because I still did not want to talk to her. Terry ignored me also, which was also a relief because, after the incident, I never wanted to see him ever again. No one knew, with the exception of Harry, what happened between Terry and me. My face was still bruised, but that was easily covered up with makeup and no one noticed.

I am no stranger to being hit and I should have expected this from Terry, but I cannot deny that I was surprised when it happened. But the odd thing is, usually after this sort of abuse, I become withdrawn from this world and become… numb in a way. I would go through the days after like a living ghost, not speaking to anyone, not caring what was going on, going into an apathetic state. It was a form of defense for me; I would put up my walls.

But this time it didn't happen. I did not slip into my indifferent state but instead stayed in the reality around me. The only reason I had for this was Harry; him talking with me, not to me, kept me from hiding within myself like I am so use to. I know it sounds a bit cheesy, but that's the only reason I got; this is still new to me. And it scared me.

However, my break from Terry was short lived as he "decided" to talk to me one day:

"Alana," he said, during breakfast, "can you and I talk alone for a minute?" he asked bending low to my ear. I silently nodded in reply and got up from the Ravenclaw table. I saw Harry out of the corner of my eye, his jaw clenched, staring at Terry and me. When I saw him begin to rise, I shot him a warning look and tried to comfort him with my eyes.

"What are you looking at, Harry?" asked his best friend, Ron.

"No-nothing," Harry answered, tearing his eyes away from us.

I saw Ron lean closer to Harry, whispering something to him, his face set in an annoyed expression. That was the last I saw before exiting the Great Hall.

"Look, babe, about what happened a few days ago," Terry started, staring directly at me. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't've hit you."

I stared into Terry's blue eyes, surprised and shocked by his apology. I was really not expecting that, I was expecting an excuse or some sort of reprimand telling me that it was my fault in the first place; but an apology? I was at a loss as to what to say.

"It's okay," I heard a voice choke out; it took me a minute to realize that it was mine. Terry smiled and wrapped his arms around me. I stiffened at first then I, to my surprise, returned the embrace.

"You have to admit," Terry said, releasing me, holding me limply "you were being a bitch. You kind of can't blame me for being a bit…aggressive."

There it was, the blame, it was my fault. I could feel the anger begin to bubble within me.

"Don't look at me like that," he said warningly. "If you didn't ignore me that day, then I would not have been angry and hit you."

"So you are saying it's my fault then?" I said backing away from him, anger dripping from every syllable.

"Yes that is what I'm saying. Think about it Alana: if you were not ignoring your boyfriend, like a good girlfriend wouldn't, then I wouldn't've hit you."

I opened my mouth in protest, but he had a point, so I let him win.

"Good girl," he said, kissing the top of my head. "I'll meet you later okay?"

I nodded, not saying a thing. When he left I just stood in the Hall, irate with myself.

"What was that?" said a voice behind me. I turned around startled, but relaxed when I saw that it was Harry. Though my muscles were no longer tense I could feel the bottom of my stomach drop, he was mad.

"What was that?" he asked again, I flinched at the anger and hurt in his words. I froze and opened my mouth, only to close it again after that. "He hit's you, treats you badly, and you still forgave him? Are you mental, Alana?"

"I am not!" I bit back, my wall coming back up in defense.

"Then why didn't you just end things with him? Right now! You had the opportunity!"

I had no answer for this; I did not want to admit to Harry that I was still afraid of Terry. Who knew what he would do if I told him, Terry, that I wanted to leave. _Afraid? What could Terry do to me that has not been done already?_

"Do you not care about me, Alana? Is this just some sort of game to you?" his words brought my attention back to the now.

"What?" I asked him in disbelief, "No Harry, I do like you."

"Then why are you still with him?"

"I-don't know," I lied.

"Then end it already; Alana, I really like you, but if you don't end things with him soon, then I can't be with you." After he said that he walked away, leaving me upset.

I sat through my classes knowing what I had to do that day, I was just afraid of doing it. _Quit being such a coward!_ I quietly scolded myself, _you hate Terry, he treats you like some sort of pet, and you have a chance with Harry! If you feel that strongly for Harry then grit your teeth and do it!_

Listening to myself, instead of the berating voice, for once I decided to look for Terry and do it today. I knew that if I just put it off then I would lose courage, not to mention hurt Harry. After Muggle Studies was lunch, which was the best time to seek out Terry and break the news to him.

Once the lunch bell rang, I packed up all of my things and was one of the first to leave the classroom. I did not have to search far for Terry, in fact I did not have to search at all, he found me.

"Hey babe," said a haughty voice behind me. I felt his hand slide around my shoulders; I stiffened under his touch. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, _it's either now or never_, I mustered up all of my strength and turned to face him.

"Terry, may I have a word with you?" Terry looked at me as if he did not understand my question.

"Yeah, sure, but it better be quick. I want less talking more doing," he said with an arrogant grin that made me sick to my stomach. We went to a secluded corridor; I could barely hear the distant chattering and feet of students as they went to the Great Hall.

I faced Terry and locked my eyes onto him, something I was not accustomed to.

"Terry, I can't be with you any longer. I am ending things now," I said as confidently as I could, but I was unable to keep out the quiver in my voice. Terry simply stared at me with an unreadable expression and then laughed.

"You're joking right?" he asked through tears, but when he saw that I was serious his face hardened.

"Terry I-" but before I could finish my sentence my back was slammed against the wall.

"Who the fuck do you think you are, you little bitch? You have to be mental to just think that you could leave me," he said, his purple face just centimeters from my own. I stared back as coldly as I could, but I knew I could not hide the alarm in my eyes. I tried to escape his grip but he easily pulled me away from the wall and slammed my back against it, pinning me. I cried out in pain. "I am the best thing that ever happened to you. What guy would want you, let alone touch you, you little tramp? You are lucky to have me," he smiled at me in an evil way; I could see his eyes take on a red glint.

"You're best friend told me what you did your second year," his voice dropped to a deadly whisper, I could feel my legs begin to give way, _no_. "Oh yes," he said as if reading my thoughts, "losing your virtue at the ripe old age of twelve, the beginnings of a whore. Think about it Alana, you are one; look at how easy it was for me to get under that skirt."

I could feel my mind get fuzzy and I became light headed, I remembered back to second year. I was foolish to believe that Marcus really loved me. My mind jerked back to reality when I felt a hand slide up my thigh and began to venture under my skirt. His body pressed hard against mine and I knew what he had in mind.

"No!" I shouted, struggling as hard as I could against him, but he was bigger then me. His hand covered my mouth.

"Shut up!" he hissed, "There's no point in struggling, you know you will just lose."

My eyes widened as his hands violated me; I fought harder.

"Don't look so tragic, it's not like you're losing anything; besides, who the fuck would want you?"

But instead of breaking like Terry wanted me to, I felt fury burn inside me, my head began to clear and I directed all of my years of frustration and abuse to the snake in front of me.

I bit Terry's hand and he yelped in pain, pulling his hand away from my mouth. "Don't be so surprised that someone would," I snapped. He was still stunned by my attack that I took this opportunity to slip out of his grasp and run, but his shock did not last, I was pinned against the wall again.

"Who is he?" he yelled. "Who?" I stared at him, never blinking; but he continued to shake me, each blow from the wall making my spine feel like it was going to break. But I didn't care, I was winning. But then the shaking stopped, and Terry leaned in, his face mere centimeters from mine.

"I'll kill him."

Panic and fear gripped my heart. _Over my dead body_. I managed to find my wand and I shouted the first spell that came to my head:

"EXPELLIRMUS!"

The blast from my wand shot Terry backwards; hitting the wall across the small corridor, I saw him slump over. I did not bother to check him to see if he was all right, instead I did the first action that sprang in my mind: I ran.

I flew down corridors and halls, past classrooms, students, and teachers; everything in my peripheral nothing but a blur. I did not know where I was running to; all I knew was to run. I fleetingly thought about going to Harry, but I knew he would be with his friends, I did not want to risk them finding out. Also I was not sure if Terry was unconscious or not, or if he was following me. I can't lead him to Harry, there's no telling what he, Terry, would do.

Instead I found myself running down the passage that led to the Ravenclaw common room. I quickly muttered the password and went straight to my room, ignoring the looks I was getting from my housemates.

The girls' dormitory was, thankfully, empty and I slammed the door and threw down my book bag. I sat on my navy bed and put my face in my hands, exhausted and still shaking, I let out a sigh. I was still thinking about his threat; echoes of "I'll kill him" ran in my mind. _What if he found out about Harry? Would he really try to kill him?_

_No, don't be so stupid, Alana. He wouldn't try to kill him, hurt him yes, but kill him, no._ That thought did not make me feel any better.

_You are a fool, Alana, to have gotten involved with both Terry and Harry in the first place. Why couldn't you just leave them alone? Now you put Harry in danger you stupid, stupid girl._

"Shut up!" but the voice was right, what am I going to do?

I leaned back to lay down, but my back barely grazed the bed when I jumped up in pain.

"Bloody hell!"

I took off my cloak and shirt as tenderly as possible, but it still hurt. I turned my back to the full-length mirror and gasped at what I saw. My back was covered in bruises, splotches of black, blue, purple, and red overlapping each other like some kind of camouflage.

"Shit," I mumbled. My hand lightly ventured over my shoulder but the smallest touch made me flinch. "This is going to be hell to deal with," I bluntly said aloud.

Sighing, I put back on my shirt and stared at my reflection. _Dammit Alana,_ I thought, _why are you always screwing things up?_

Instead of answering my own question I returned to my bed and sat again. _At least I'm free, free from Terry and Natalie_; I tried to look at the more positive aspects of the situation. _No more Terry and Natalie._ I suddenly began to panic when I thought of this. I just condemned myself to a life of solitude; Natalie would make sure of that. I was never popular nor well liked before, but since I was with Natalie people would actually talk to me. As much as I hated it, I knew I would begin to miss it.

I rubbed my eyes and laid face-down on the bed. I grabbed my pillow and held it close while my head was rested on it.

"I have to be careful around Harry now… Lest Terry follows through with his threat…" I mumbled into my pillow. "This is his fault in the first place," I said bitterly. "If he left me alone like I wanted him to then I wouldn't be in this mess."

I sat up and threw the pillow.

"It's my fault, not Harry's," I finally said. I sighed and knew what I had to do. I looked at my bedside clock and saw that I was over thirty minutes late to class. _I'll go to the next one,_ I decided, _tell the Professor I was sick or something…_

I stood up and retrieved my pillow from across the room. _After the next class I need to talk to Harry._

Once class was over I sought Harry out and whispered for him to meet me in Myrtle's bathroom. Between the time I spent in the dormitory and the wait in the bathroom, I decided that the best thing right now was to not see Harry again. Terry was most likely going to follow through with his threat (deadly or not) and all of this was just too much for me to handle. I lost the only friend I had and I can't pretend that Harry is going to be around forever. It is best to cut my losses now before I really get hurt in the end; before Harry starts to hate me and leave me too.

Besides this was his fault, I was perfectly content until he came along and mucked up my life. I was angry at him and I hated myself for being so because I also shared the blame. The few short weeks that I'd known him had turned my life upside down and forced me into this torrid of emotions that I simply can't deal with. I liked him, I truly did but I could not let myself believe this was worth it. He will begin to hate me and move on.

The gurgle and wail from one of the stalls told me that Myrtle was back from whatever escapade she was on; I ignored her and she did me while I waited for Harry. I began to drum my fingers on a sink impatiently as time ticked by. Finally a squeak from the bathroom door told me that my wait was finally over.

I turned around and Harry walked in, curiosity brimming on his face not to mention a slight twinge of hope in his eyes. I knew what that was for, probably hoping that I am going to tell him things between me and Terry was over.

"Hi Harry," I said first, not exactly sure how I should start.

"Hi Alana."

"I broke up with Terry," I said with a little hesitation. His eyes widened and, momentarily, shined with delight but quickly was replaced with confusion and hurt when I said the next words: "but I can't see you anymore."

He opened his mouth but closed it again. That look gave me a twinge of guilt, but a part of me didn't care. This was his fault, even though it truly was not. I gave him an apologetic look and then walked to the door.

"Alana, wait!" he said, I slowly turned around and faced him while my hand remained on the knob. "Why?"

I looked down and turned the knob. "I'm sorry," I whispered then I left.

I tried to put as much distance as I could between me and the bathroom so that Harry could not chase after me. Once I felt that the coast was clear I made my way to my hiding place: an old broom cupboard that Filch never used, it was abandoned and cobwebby but had a fairly comfortable dusty old couch. This place was forgotten long ago, but became a haven to me when I needed a place to escape to, a place where I can sleep when I did not want to be in that dormitory.

I glanced up and down the corridor before entering the broom cupboard and, finding the hall deserted, I entered and made sure to lock the door behind me.

I threw down my bag and spent the next few hours tenderly sitting on the couch finishing my homework and reading a few pages from my textbooks to make up for the classes I missed, and to keep me distracted. But this did not appease my guilty brain and I ended up closing my book in frustration. I needed to forget this day, forget my whole life. I needed to forget everything and no amount of scars can let me do that.

I stared at a spider clinging to its web and began thinking, thinking if all this was really worth the trouble because of feelings I have for some boy. _But he's not just "some boy," he's someone who actually made me feel like a decent human being._

_He isn't the first to make you feel that way._

_Shut up! I don't want to relive that._

But it was too late; I could feel my mind slip back to Second Year at Hogwarts, twelve-years-old, hardened by my home life, yet still persuadable. I remembered Marcus Jean, a Seventh Year Prefect who loved to charm young girls by giving them compliments in French, his father's native tongue. Marcus was a Ravenclaw, and incredible handsome. I can still remember his wavy brown hair and dark eyes that changed between brown and a dark green. I had a girlish crush on him for a long time. Natalie knew about the crush and she took it upon herself to tell him, much to my anger and embarrassment. But he didn't laugh at me. Instead he took an interest in me; me an ugly adolescent.

He began to talk to me, throw me compliments in French, wink at me, and smile at me, than one day he kissed me. Much like how Harry did, _very_ much like how Harry did. After that I knew I was in love. A short while after we kissed Marcus began to pressure me into doing things I now know no girl my age should do. I was uncomfortable, but I thought he loved me so I gave in after a while.

It was nighttime, a cold April night, too cold. After dinner, after curfew, he and I snuck out of our dormitories and he led the way through the dark castle.

"Where are we going?" I whispered, imagining Filch, Mrs. Norris, or a teacher on night patrol (because of the threat of Sirius Black) appearing out of nowhere.

"Hush! We're almost there."

We stopped by a wooden door and he opened it, allowing me to step in first. I gasped at what I saw: it was a room, a fairly comfortable room. The walls, floors and ceilings were stone, but the floor was covered with plush shag rugs, and the walls with delicate tapestries. There was a roaring fire in the grate, but what stood out the most was the bed. It was a deep mahogany four-poster, almost three times the size of the bed I slept on. The velvet curtains and the bedding itself was a navy blue, the Ravenclaw colors.

"What is this place?" I asked in awe, looking around me.

"It's called The Room of Requirement," he replied shutting the door. When I heard the lock click I turned around. _Why would he lock the door?_ I wondered. Then he stepped towards me and I became nervous. I knew what was going to happen tonight. I was nervous since it was my first time, but I truly felt I loved Marcus and that he loved me. Oh how stupid I was, totally and utterly stupid.

He started by taking me to the bed. Once on it he pinned me, kissing me and touching me in ways I never felt before. I was excited, I enjoyed it, but I could not push away the fact that this felt wrong.

When he started to undress me is where I first resisted. At first he just chuckled and told me to relax, I did but I again stiffed when he tried to remove my bra and skirt. This time he was a bit irritated.

"Alana, you promised," he warned, but when I still did not move he sighed.

"Here, let me get undressed so you don't feel so ashamed," he removed all of his clothing, standing before me, confident. That was the first time I ever saw a man naked; I couldn't help but stare. That just seemed to fuel his ego.

"Like what you see?" he whispered. _No, no, this is wrong._

"I don't want to do this any more," I said, sure that he would listen to me. But the look on his face changed, causing me to become frightened.

"What?" he said simply, as if what I said was absurd.

"I want to go back to my dorm-" but before I could finish, Marcus was on top of me in a flash.

"You promised Alana," he said through gritted teeth, gripping my wrists, his face contorted into something monstrous.

"Let go of me!" I pleaded. "Marcus, you're hurting me!"

He released my wrist and softened his face.

"Look Alana, I'm really sorry, but you promised. Don't you love me?" he asked softly. I felt guilty about denying him, and now frightened, so I nodded and he smiled and kissed me. "Good girl."

We did it that night. I was only twelve-years-old and I lost my virginity to a boy who was nearly six years my senior. After that night Marcus brushed me off and never spoke with me again. When I cornered him to find out why he just produced his wand and threatened to hurt me if I ever talked to him again, then he told me that things just were not meant to be and that was that.

I felt a tear slip down my cheek as the memories from my Second Year played in my head. It was so many years ago and I wanted my revenge on the one person that used me and left me feeling disgusted with myself. I blamed him and I blamed myself. I hated me. It was right after that, that I began hurting myself every time I remembered that day and for every whisper in the halls. Natalie told me that he told everyone that I slept with him. After that I was marked for the slut that I am.

It was in my fourth year that I realized I was letting him win by feeling sorry for myself. After that realization I stopped hurting myself whenever the memory of him and that night chose to play itself in my head. Choosing to try to ignore or block it. But today it was harder to, probably because it was brought up again and was almost replayed but in a more violent form.

I stared at the spider climbing on its web and thought of Harry. _Could he really be trusted?_

_He won't hurt you like Marcus and Terry did, he cares about you._

_You thought Marcus cared about you and look what happened there._

But you saw it in his eyes! This is genuine. He even cared when he discovered your secret. He wants to help you.

"Yeah but even if that's true I still can't see him anymore," I said aloud, "Terry will kill him."

Then I heard the dinner bell ring. If I really wanted to forget the day's events, then now would be the time to get started. I went to the door and peeked out, _no students_.

Then I slipped out and walked to the girl's dorm. Once there I began to dig under my bed, finally finding what I was looking for. I pulled out a sack that contained a lot of dirty old clothes and began to rummage around in there. Finding it I pulled it out. It was a particularly large bottle of Old Monks Deluxe Rum, something I lifted on a trip to Hogsmeade last year. Stowing it away in my book bag, I quickly made my way back to my secret room.

I was sitting in the dusty and dark room taking my second swig from the bottle. I hadn't eaten anything all day so I was already beginning to feel a bit warm. I had barely put the bottle to my lips for a third drink when the door opened and a tall, dark figure stood in the path of the dazzling, bright light.

* * *

_I'm lying to myself  
And this dagger is my excuse  
I'm apalled  
I should have paid up  
And I left an hour late  
I was laid up _

I must abuse myself  
I'm against all that I've made up  
Set in stone, the sun will come  
And I hate light  
You know I hate light  
To me it looks so pretty burning

Burn the sun  
Burn the light  
Take take take take take take it away  
Take my hand  
Take my life  
Take take take take take take it away

I must have caught something  
In the heat of all these dances  
I'm a worm with no more chances  
And I've lost all doubt  
In a chemical romance

I can't stop itching  
Over thoughts of tarnished hope  
Kinda funny  
Lonely feeling  
I'm not in love  
You know it's not love  
To me it looks so pretty burning

Burn the sun  
Burn the light  
Take take take take take take it away  
Take my hand  
Take my life  
Take take take take take take it away

Burn the sun  
Burn the light  
Take take take take take take it away  
Take my hand  
Take my life  
Take take take take take take it away

Brothers and sisters  
I'm right here with you  
Cause everyone's got one  
I started to kill me  
I'm so apathetic in my resentment  
Living, loving, knowing this...

Take my hand  
Take my hand  
Take my hand  
Take my hand

Take my hand  
Take my hand  
Take my hand  
Take my hand

Take my life

Take my heart  
Take my mind  
Take my life

Take my life

"Take it Away" - The Used


End file.
